Spitefulness.
That is what I am. That is what I have become. That is what I express with everything I do.
I am bitter. I am spiteful. I am angry. I am so angry you can’t even imagine. They can’t imagine what I feel. They don’t even want to imagine it, or care to try to imagine it to begin with. And that is precisely why I feel this way. Because they care fuck all.
It is strange. After years and years of people telling me “the world doesn’t revolve around you” and “you have main character syndrome”, It feels… Strange.
I’ve entered I phase I like to call “Breaking Bad”. And nowadays, I walk upright. I feel more self assured. I value myself more. I don’t feel like a loser. And in a sense, I did adopt a “main character syndrome”, because I no longer feel like a secondary character or an extra in my life. I’m more myself.
But I’m not a hero. That’s a lie that exists in virtually every story. That there’s a “hero” and a “villain”. Reality doesn’t work like that. All there is is Ego. Some people have a sexy ego, that serves other egos. Some people have an ugly ego, that doesn’t serve the other egos. That’s truly how it works.
Philosophical discussions on Consequentialism, Utilitarianism, Kantianism, Morality, Ethics, Tradition, Progress, Individualism, Collectivism, all of that is complete bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. I no longer buy into bullshit.
And I am deeply bitter because I’ve seen through the façade. I’ve seen through all the spooks that this society has drilled into people’s heads.
I find it abhorrent. I see more decency in your average used cars salesman, in your typical conman, than in these people. Because a conman has no values. And so, he can’t be a hypocrite, he can’t betray anything. It’s transparent how he’s just trying to survive. In his own delusional, pathetic way.
But these people are so much worse. These people think they are saviors. They think going on streets and chanting slogans and canceling others is the peak of moral good. And they validate one another. And the media validates them. And normies validate them. It’s a whole fucking incestuous orgy of reciprocal validation. It’s a mind virus. No joke. “Mind virus” is an excellent descriptor. It’s something that propagates, and it infiltrates people’s minds.
To these people,
Division is unity.
Discourse is hate.
Compassion is selective.
Victimhood is strength.
Censorship is kindness.
Love is a zero-sum game.
Isolation is community.
And cruelty is justice.
Their strategy is to divide and conquer. And it’s working very well.
I’m forced to battle this every single day. Not because I want to, not because I think I have any chance in ending this madness. But I do it to survive. My own survival, my humble needs – some money, some free time, some space, some psychological needs – they are seen as obstacles to these people. My humble needs are seen as the root of all evil in this society.
You fucking bet I’m spiteful. I will die feeling spiteful.
And what’s strange, is I’m getting used to it. My inner dialogue has changed in the last few months. I feel less like a victim, and more like a fighter. It’s interesting how a change in mindset makes life more interesting, and tolerable.
I will keep fighting. Every single day, I will fight this madness. I will fight everything and everyone who stands between me and my goals.
I’m aware it’s likely I will lose this war. But I will die fighting. I will hold onto my values up until the very last moment. My values are all I have in this life.
Angry? You bet I’m angry. I’m always angry. I will always be angry. You will see it in my face. You will hear it in my voice. You will experience my anger. This anger won’t stop until this war ends. And we all know it is never going to end.
I’m at war against most of the world. And I have very few allies. I struggle to survive, to meet my basic needs, and people go out of their way to see me being crushed by the world. They look down on me, from their comfortable place in life, see me struggle, and laugh. And they feel validated, and self righteous about it. Schadenfreude in its most hypocritical form. They laugh. In their abhorrent ideology, the more “we” lose, the more they win.
Laughter is the ultimate defense mechanism. It prevents them from looking inward. It’s the shield that protects them from the utter hypocrisy of their religion, their ideology, their attitude. It makes them feel good. It reveals to me what they are on the inside. They don’t seek peace and tolerance by elevating others. They seek pleasure by crushing their enemies. And what they consider an enemy, that’s quite a very generous concept.
I’m often told by these people that I will be “on the wrong side of history”. To these people, I say: go fuck yourself.
Angry? You think I come across as bitter, spiteful, angry? You think I’m “operating from an unconscious level”? You think I’m projecting?
YOU BET I’M FUCKING ANGRY.
I DESERVE TO FEEL ANGRY.
