We have a situation
I’m 28 years old, single, never had a girlfriend, and living in my parents’ house. I don’t perceive myself buying a house anytime soon. I also don’t see myself getting lucky in the dating scheme either.
For a while I thought I was alone. That perhaps because I’m on the autism spectrum, I have a harder time catching up to certain milestones in life. Perhaps it’s my fault I’m in this situation. But over time, I started to see many young men around me are in similar situations. Many of them are even worse off than me, unemployed, sending CV’s like a mad man, not hearing back. That’s tough. At least I hold an ok career in software development.
But regardless, it has become clear to me that my struggles are not at all unique. Not at all rare, in this day and age. I’m not the only one who feels detached from society. I’m not the only one who feels alienated, ignored, mistreated even.
What I mean by “bullshit advice”
It seems that about 50% of people – those who are left leaning, conveniently – are downright dismissing this situation. Insinuating young men are “whining”, and that they are entitled and irresponsible. They make a mockery of the loneliness epidemic. As I once read on Reddit:
“Young men feel lonely. Young women are killed and raped every day. Stop acting like your life is difficult just because you want attention.”
It perfectly encapsulates the zero sum empathy that society operates in. After all, how dare you want to have a discussion about loneliness, which for some reason is affecting this specific demographic, and its potential long term consequences on their mental and physical health? You’re clearly a misogynist for daring to bring up such a topic.
If some people choose to have this antagonistic attitude, they are beyond hopeless. Not worth engaging with.
So, let’s talk about the other group of people. The group that acknowledges something is going on, and tries to offer advice. At least they have good intentions, I’ll give them that. But frankly, the advice they give is so poor, it’s the capitalist equivalent to “pull yourself by the bootstraps”.
“Nothing in a man’s life can’t be solved by getting in shape and making more money.” – Alex Hormozi
In a sense, I respect Alex for being so honest. And I truly think that he is accurate. That if you are fit, and you have enough money, your life as a young guy will be pretty decent. But you know, literally half of the advice is “pull yourself by the bootstraps”. Advice being given to young men, during a period of recession, during a period where AI is automating the easiest jobs, and during the worst housing crisis in a long time.
“Just go there, work hard, make more money”, thanks, Captain obvious. I’m 28, I have 3 college degrees, and 5 years of experience as a software engineer. And my sallary is mediocre. I can barely save up any money. Do you think the average young guy has the resources to bootstrap a company? That having ambition and an entrepreneurial spirit is all that matters to make money?
And both these suggestions have a problem, which is: when on Earth will I be allowed to be happy? It’s not like you can get in shape in 6 months. Or even a year. Same with money (in fact, the subject of money is even worse, it takes even longer to see results). Hell, I’ve been hitting the gym 3 days a week, for 9 months. I barely notice any difference. In fact, I’m getting chubbier (because the gym has increased my appetite).
Why am I focusing on Alex’s advice so much? Because this is around 80%-90% of advice young men receive these days. And this is the good advice. I’m focusing on the good advice, yes. I’m intentionally excluding the bad advice from this post.
“Be social – join a group, a community, do volunteer work.”
“See a psychologist.”
“Spend less time online, use less social media.”
I mean, yeah, okay? Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t bad advice. My problem is that this is like telling a homeless guy to be careful with how he spends money, and that he should save 20% of any money he earns.
There’s this stereotype of struggling young men, that they live in their parents’ basements, that they are unmotivated, lazy, entitled. That they spend all day playing videogames and lack ambition. Which reminds me:
“You know what’s stopping you from getting laid? It’s all the freaking videogames! It’s not Feminism, it’s the videogames! Just stop playing videogames, and go interact with women!” – Leo Gura
Two problems here:
1 – Yes, Feminism does harm young men. Do you seriously not think this movement – that tells women they should be afraid of men, that men are perverts, predators, that women are second class citizens in this society – you really don’t see problems with this movement? There are genuine problems associated with the modern iteration of Feminism. I have seen it, and experienced them in my own skin.
2- God forbid, how dare I have any enjoyment in my life. Because my life is 80% work, 10-15% adulting, and how dare I spend some of my free time doing things I enjoy? Surely, I, and all other young men who struggle, we deserve to suffer. How dare we want to experience 1% of happiness throughout our day, instead of 0%. Remember guys, your life is to be in constant self improvement. TV? Videogames? Youtube? That’s horrible, no wonder we have so many incels these days.
No, I’m not fucking surrendering videogames. Maybe if I were addicted to videogames, and played them like 5 hours a day, every single day, in that situation we’d have a problem. But I play what, 1, 2 hours a day? Sometimes I go an entire week without playing anything? And I don’t even watch TV. So no, I feel zero fucking guilt for playing videogames.
People seem to not understand that stuff like videogames, to guys like myself, are copes. These aren’t addictions. It’s not that I’m refusing opportunities to socialize, to go out, to travel, to have fun, to stay home and play videogames. It’s the other way around. I play videogames BECAUSE I lack those events in my life. Because I lack the girlfriend to go out with. Because I lack the money to travel. Because I lack the community to interact with.
Frankly, when am I allowed to be happy? When I make 6 figures? When I’m completely ripped? I’m only allowed to experience a fraction of joy, of happiness in my life, when I’m 100% self-actualized? When I’m good looking, wealthy, famous?
This is why the “advice” people give young men doesn’t make sense. It’s implies that if you’re struggling, it’s your fault. “You gotta take accountability”, as people say. And I’m not saying you should let go of accountability. Of course, individually, these things are valuable. Joining a community, doing volunteer work, hitting the gym, working on your hard skills for your career, I am all for those things. But let’s not pretend these are “what’s missing”. Let’s not pretend these are what’s “wrong” with young men these days. And let’s stop gaslighting young men, by saying they need to achieve this Greek God level of perfection before they are allowed to be happy in life.
Advice from a young guy to young guys
I was recently watching a video that really irritated me. It was a young guy talking to the camera, and it started like this:
“I’m going to say something, and it’s going to sound misogynistic. Look, I don’t hate women, and I don’t blame women for how things are. But right now, women have the upper hand in the dating game. And I’m not saying there aren’t guys who mistreat women while dating, or that women don’t have their own challenges. I’m just saying that most guys struggle to even get a da-“
Shut the fuck up. God. Stop.
Here’s my first piece of advice:
1) Stop apologizing so much.
I’m exhausted of it. And I do it myself a lot. It’s a flaw I need to fix in my system. We, young men, we have been conditioned to almost apologize for existing. To walk on eggshells. Each time we want to say something, about our struggles or something that bothers us, we often start with “I don’t want to imply or accuse bla bla bla of being bla bla bla, I’m sure bla bla bla have many problems and they have the right to-” STOP.
Can we all fucking agree, women have it easy in dating? Without fiften asterisks and warnings and apologies? It’s clear as day, in the current dating market, due to various reasons – dating apps, social dynamics, internet, etc – women have it much much easier than guys in the dating scheme. This isn’t blaming anyone, this isn’t casting a judgement.
We, young men, we need to fucking own our convictions. We need to stop apologizing so much.
And now, the other piece of advice I want to give:
2) Try softer.
That’s right. It’s the opposite of the “try harder” bullshit advice. Try softer.
Don’t force things. Don’t assume control over things you don’t actually control. Don’t be so impatient in wanting results. Don’t be so neurotic.
Adopt a daoist mindset. Try softer. Align yourself with your nature. And this won’t solve your problems. This won’t make you wealthy, or fit, or “better” in any tangible manner. But what it will do, is it will make you suffer less.
The next time you go to the gym, don’t listen to bullshit red pill podcasts or motivation speeches. Just do the workouts. Don’t overexert yourself. And don’t try to hit the gym 6 days a week – you will burn out, or get injured, and lose motivation and willpower quick. Instead, be gradual.
If you want to start a small business, great. If you don’t, then don’t. Focus on your current job. Focus on something small, but manageable. Maybe take a Udemy course. Maybe prepare a motivation letter today. And edit your CV tomorrow. And then send 2 emails next week.
Everyone wants us to get up at 6 am, do volunteer work, save starving children in africa, save the princess, give a speech in a feminist conference, appear on Forbes’ front cover, and have Chris Hemsworth’s muscles.
Don’t. That that stupid idea out of your head.
Just chill out. And be yourself. Make decisions that will make you happy in the long run. Not make OTHERS happy. Make YOURSELF happy. I suggest adopting a dog.