There have been times when I felt distressed. I have felt abandoned, in despair, confused, frustrated. Something happened, that made me feel deeply hurt or afraid. I have experienced actual despair. It’s a cold feeling. Something cruel, horribly cold, washes over you.
What I have realized is this world is completely apathetic. There is nothing out there. No “thing”. Is there a Tao, is there a Brahman? I don’t know. If there is such a thing, it’s apathetic. It’s illogical. Most of all, it’s unfair. Call it what you will, its name doesn’t matter, even if such a thing exists.
This pushed me in a new direction. I entered the realm of Philosophy and Spirituality. New Age, Absurdism, Existentialism, Logotherapy. Many models to explain reality, many instruments to make sense of it. But nothing has actually served me. Nothing works when you experience the Emptiness.
When I die, nothing I have ever done will matter. None of the lessons I have learned and will keep learning throughout this life, none of it will matter. Even “empty” lessons from Nihilism won’t matter. I won’t be here. Only the Emptiness will be here. Forever.
I have wasted too much time making sense of things. What is morality? What is Good? What is Value, even? I have even attempted to use Philosophy to answer practical challenges in my life. If I knew what is Value, I could create it, and I could profit from it, and finally quit my job. But there is no answer to these questions. Value can be a promise, a real one or a fake one, or some form of stimulation (pleasure), or some practical service, such as programming or plumbing. But Value isn’t valuable. I could be the greatest programmer in my country and still earn a mere 2k€ a month. That’s the cap. Because at the end of the day, con artists, foreigners, investors, wealthy people, people in other industries, regardless of the Value they provide, they still make more than I ever could. I stay in this industry, that is.
What’s wrong with the world? What the fuck is wrong with society? Why is it so sick? Why are people so deep into Modern Religions? Why all the Wokeness, and the Late Stage Capitalism, and all the crazy shit that’s going on?
…
I think that’s precisely the answer. The real answer to all of these questions.
When I’m depressed, confused, frustrated, angry, exhausted, that’s the response I always receive. The lack of answer is the answer. My approach has been wrong all along.
There is no answer. And the reason why there is no answer is because it’s not meant to make sense. It’s not meant to be fair.
Why is it some individuals get arrested for weed and spend years in prison, whereas other ones promote racism out loud, and get cheered on for it? Why is it I have 3 college degrees, I am hard working, I am a decent individual, and still society treats me like I’m flawed? Why is it that con artists get away with so much harm they create? Why is it that people are incapable of apologizing? Why are people incapable of making the smallest of concessions? Why is it that individuals with horrible personalities are treated with respect, whereas others are disrespected all the time? Why is it that people who claim to be against sexism, happen to be the most sexist people of them all? Why is it the same with racism? Equality? Why are standards so inconsistent with these people? Why is it that if I perform the exact same service for a company, in two geographic locations, I’m paid differently? What’s so magical about longitude and latitude? Why is it that people say one thing when they mean another? Why is it that I ruminate so much? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with society? What are my “negative beliefs” that I need to challenge or overcome? What should I do? What should I stop doing? Who should I speak with? Who can help me?
…
That’s the answer. There it is.
I wish I weren’t so philosophical. I wish I didn’t have this type of mind. Seeking answers for impossible questions. Seeking resolution where there is none to be found. Seeking comfort in an uncomfortable reality.
The only thing that this world guarantees is Chaos. Unfairness disguised as Fairness. Injustice disguised as Justice. Reason disguised as Reason. Science pretending to be scientific. Morality pretending to be objective. Humans pretending to be humane. Stark contrasts between transgression and kindness. Black and white portrayals of these concepts. Even spectrums of gray and even vivid colors. The illusion is so powerful, it shows to your face how obviously chaotic, irrational things are, yet it presents you a set of lessons you’re expected to understand.
“Society isn’t fair. But if you obey this set of principles, if you treat people in a certain way, it is expected you will obtain the results you desire. It’s not perfectly fair. But it’s somewhat predictable. It’s somewhat fair. It’s fair for the most part. It’s reasonable for the most part.”
What’s the percentage of that “most part”? 50%? Absolutely not. 30%? 20%? 10%?
The thing is that, if I commit obvious transgressions, it’s easy to obtain bad results. It’s easy to lose my freedom, my health, my money. It’s easy to push people away. There’s an infinite number of actions I can take to produce these results.
But what about positive results? A fair pay? More free time? A successful business? A large social circle? Fame? Peace of mind? What steps can I take to achieve as little as peace of mind? What can I do to become less neurotic? Read more Buddhist scriptures? Medidate daily for 15 years? Write on a gratitude journal?
Chaos. Infinite variables. Infinite factors to take into account. Deception, false promises, false hope. Mental masturbation. Spiritual masturbation. Should I seek to destroy my ego? Or as they put it, “transcend” it? Preposterous.
Donald Trump hasn’t transcended his ego. Taylor Swift hasn’t transcended her ego. The guy from Linus Tech Tips hasn’t transcended his either. Sadhguru?
Do you see how much I grasp at straws for basic answers? Do you sense the struggle? I need to go to Sadhguru and Osho to make sense of life? These people are not going to help me.
They are all contained in the Chaos.
I wish it were more obvious. Less tricky. More in my face. That way, I wouldn’t waste so much time ruminating and contemplating over these issues. I would look at the Chaos and think to myself “Shit. Oh, well, it is what it is”.
But it keeps tricking me into believing there’s a resolution out there. That I’m doing something wrong. Do I have a bad mindset? Do I have a large ego? Do I lack social skills? Do I lack coding skills? Is that what the solution is? Just go grind and learn CSS, Javascript, React.JS, Vue, Next.JS, MongoDB, and once I know the basics, I’ll be cool. I’ll have a more peaceful mind, I’ll earn more, I’ll be more content with life.
The Religion of Capitalism takes the cake for being the most disgusting. It really takes the cake. There is no escaping it, however. As there is no escaping my terrible temperament. My struggles in life will remain that way.
I have myself. My ambitions, my passions. I have some good things. I shouldn’t expect anything beyond them. I just inhale my copium as I observe the Chaos. Emptiness washes over me. I will not overcome most of my emotional attachments. I will not obtain many of the things I desire. I will never destroy my ego.
I am on my own. This life is nothing but Chaos, behaving as if it weren’t chaotic.
…
Silence is the only answer I will ever receive.